[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
You Might Also Like
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot