Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
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My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me