My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
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Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I’ve had worse
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.