As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
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I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
and now we wait
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.