*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
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I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus