My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
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The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
found my next D&D character name
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
#CatsOnTwitter
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket