Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
You Might Also Like
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids