just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
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Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.