My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
You Might Also Like
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
A fake ID that makes you younger
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”