HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
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If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.