*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
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[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
lmfao come on
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Doctors texting each other.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?