I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
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So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
bias laundering edition
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.