I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
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In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”