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(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Ok who’s got my black socks?
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment