I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
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Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!