Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
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All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.