The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
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[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.