[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
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me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.