Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
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went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Not recommended for beginners.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
oh u like history? name everything that happened
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Did…did a minotaur write this
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.