Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
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I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*