I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
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I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs