Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
You Might Also Like
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
every. time.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.