if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
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Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.