Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
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*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Doggies just call it style.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!