[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
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Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!