My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
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Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
I’d love this…lol
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
never compromise your values
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”