Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
You Might Also Like
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?