Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
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[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
yes… yes…
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.