My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
This is true.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”