I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
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“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
This made me chuckle.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
This is the coolest video you will see today.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”