challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
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Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages