I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
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Siri, fight Alexa.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
oh no, steve’s working tonight
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off