Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
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Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”