Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
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me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.