[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
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Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
all that yoga finally paid off
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.