when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
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No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
decorating my apartment
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.