If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
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Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
“How’s your day going?”
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.