Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
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Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask