Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
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“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.