If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
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Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process