Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
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man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Nice try Hitler
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?