Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
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Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.