A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
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Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him