Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
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[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.