Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
You Might Also Like
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
gm
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Always the camel, never the toe.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.