The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
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I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue