(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
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one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Matt Goss
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.