Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
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IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.