I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
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The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
me after eating Cheetos