*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
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Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING